U.J.

Today is the ceremony for my Uncle John. It’s still hard to believe that he’s gone. How did this happen? Everything still seems so surreal to me. Now I have no one to argue with on politics, not that I was ever interested in politics, or about the end of the world, or cigarettes. Just holding a cigarette could calm him down. He never actually needed the nicotine.

I want to tell you a little about myself. I’m not very strong willed, and I give up easily. I procrastinate, and cry like a baby when something doesn’t go my way. I yell at my mother when I’m angry, and lock my door on my father when he’s telling me to do something I don’t want to do. I’ll make up lies to get out of something, and lie to get what I want. My friends come and go. I have different interests than what kids at school do. I’m completely random and say the most embarrassing things. I really need to learn to think before I speak.

Now let me tell you a little about my Uncle John. He’s strong willed, and always pushes himself to get what he wants. He does not procrastinate, or cry like a baby when things don’t go his way. He always keeps his cool, and never locks his door when he’s told to do something that he doesn’t want to do. He never lies. His friends always stayed by his side. His interest seemed to impress people. He’s usually not so random, and always knows what he’s going to say next.

How are you related you say?

I don’t know myself.

Uncle John was the uncle that was never afraid to speak his mind. If I try to speak my mind, I always get yelled at. Though Uncle John never did. I guess people were just afraid to speak back to that strong willed man, haha. My Uncle was gay, but you couldn’t tell by looking at him, or even hearing him speak. He was always treated with the most respect in the family.

We only ever gave him socks or boxers for Christmas, because that’s the only thing he ever asked for. I remember last year, when I was 15, he gave me a fairy, a purple fairy with beads. I stared at him and asked him what I was going to do with it. It was made out of plastic and just used for a decoration. He told me it was special. He was right, it is special…and it’s sitting next to me right now. Though it’s creepy eyes still watch everything I do. Kind of like he always did.

You would always watch over me, and make sure I was safe and cared for. I never really got to say thank you. So thank you Uncle John.

It’s still so hard to say goodbye. You always drank Coke. And you always had at least 2, 2 liters of Coke sitting on your counter at home. So I’m drinking Coke now, and from now on, I’ll always keep a couple of liters of Coke on my counter. Not that it’s really of any importance, I just want something to remember you by, besides this creepy fairy. And we both like Coke, so I figured that maybe Coke was the best way to go.

I remember watching The Backyardigans while at Grandma’s house, and you walking into the room singing the theme song saying you liked it too. I can’t help but chuckle. Dora, you didn’t like so much right? Or was that Go Diego Go? Ahh, I can’t remember, but we both also liked Blues Clues. You were always better at finding the paw prints than I was. I’m still mad at you for that.

I can’t even look at Zoe, or any of my other dogs without thinking of you. I swear you loved those dogs more than you loved any of us, haha. :)

Uncle John, mother misses you.

Why didn’t you tell any of us that you were sick, and how did you hide the symptoms so well? I swear, if I would have noticed one thing, one tiny symptom, I would have done everything in my power to make you well again. But you’re so good at hiding things, and masking your emotions. You fooled us all into thinking you were healthy. Were you just thinking of us? Not wanting to make us stressed? You shouldn’t have thought that way, you know we would help you out no matter what, we’re family remember?

In the closing chapter of my Grandmothers life, you lived with her, and took care of her. My mother was busy with work, and so was my Aunt Debbie, no one really had time to help out, till it got too much for you to handle, which to me was a shock. Uncle John, you could handle anything. You were my personal super hero. Hearing my mother cry while she’s alone, and seeing my aunts exhausted face has now come to take it’s toll on me. I’m writing this because I never took the time to tell you while we were sharing the same air. You’re lucky, maybe the air where you are is not as polluted as it is here. It really is hard to tell someone how you feel to their face. I just wish I would have realized that sooner. I still have so much to say to you, so if one day, you see that I’m talking to myself, I’m most likely talking to you. So don’t think I’m crazy.

So now, in the closing chapter of your life, I must tell you that I love you. I guess I should cry now before the ceremony today right? I’m a little bit too loud when I cry, and you always picked on me for that. How is it that you’re gone, you were only 45 years old. It scares me to think of how young you are. It shouldn’t be this way, and it shouldn’t have happened. I really need you to understand that it’s hard for me right now. I’m not angry that you left, I’m angry that I procrastinated once again and didn’t talk to you as much before you passed. I should have taken more of an initiative to talk to you. It seems we slowly started to fade apart after Grandma passed. I know that was hard on you too. But you did so well in staying strong for me. Now I’m learning from you and staying strong for mom. It is hard, but I know I can do it.

I love you Uncle John, and I’ll think about you daily. I must go now, I have school in the morning, and mom will yell at me again if I sleep in. You know how she gets. (I’m gonna try and talk out of going to school in the morning. Shhh.) I wonder if I can be as condescending as you were. Wish me luck.

So goodnight, and I’ll see you soon. ;)

With love,
Kaitlyn.